In some perfect pet future to be engineered by genetic science, dogs will be vastly improved.
They'll be so finely tuned, with cool intestinal upgrades, that they will never force their owners into the moral dilemma facing today's dog owners:
Whether to pick up after their dog at the dog park or just ignore it, and walk briskly away while blaming the French bulldog.
Happily, dogs of the gleaming scientific future won't cause such problems. For one thing, they'll be engineered to obey.
And they'll never break wind while you're watching a light romantic comedy on TV with your wife, just at that exact moment when Julia Roberts says: "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."
Also, dogs of the future won't look at you with sad, pleading eyes the moment you bite into a liver sausage sandwich with onions and horseradish pickles.
The best thing about dogs of the future is that they'll never have to do their "business."
Instead, if geneticists are worth anything, dogs will most likely emit lavender-scented soap bubbles. And owners will watch the bubbles float away, across the far horizon.
Unfortunately, as a dog lover and proud master of Zeus the Wonderdog, I'm confined to living in the present.
But so are Chicago politicians, like Ald. Ameya Pawar, 47th, who is lusting after the dog owner vote by promoting more dog parks.
Dog parks are areas invented by politicians to squeeze votes out of dog owners, some of whom call themselves "dog parents."
The idea is that the politicians take public land away from two-legged kids and turn it over to dogs. That way the dogs can play safely, behind a secure fence, and are protected from ravenous coyotes lured here by all the rats.
Many kids can't play in the parks because they might be shot. So they stay inside, play video games and drink gallons of soda.
Pawar, meanwhile, thinks the Chicago Park District doesn't do enough for dogs.
"Demographics of the city are changing," Pawar declared in an impassioned monologue chronicled by Sun-Times reporter Fran Spielman. "People are having children later. Some people are choosing not to have children. People have more dogs. Parks in our city should reflect that. ...
"It doesn't seem like dog-friendly areas are fundamentally part of the Park District's mission," Pawar said.
The city has 21 dog parks. By regulation, they must have a surface of artificial turf.
It's all about the leavings. Chicago politicians must have spent tax money studying this issue, but it turns out that packs of dogs that let loose on grass have a tendency to kill all the grass.
Concrete looks so, well, unsightly. So now they have to put in artificial turf.
Also, it turns out that dog parents who want dog parks for their "kids" must at least promise to maintain the dog parks. That means, promise to pick up the you know what. And you know what happens to promises.
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